Subconcious Denial

Late next week I will be celebrating the last year of my thirties. I remember when I turned twenty-nine I was in total age denial. Through my early thirties, I would often tell people that I was twenty-eight and then quickly correct myself. It was not a conscious lie- it was a complete subconscious denial.

Crossing over to the new decade in my life then, was something I had dreaded throughout my twenties. I was afraid of growing old and what that meant. My young mind could not fathom being thirty soon let alone forty but there I was, only ten years more and I would be crossing another decade. I would be old- vieja!!

Growing old to me meant that my life would come to a screeching hault. If I didn't accomplish all my educational and career goals by the time I reached forty, my life would be doomed to a worthless pulp. It would be a waste if I got to be old and never finished what I wanted for myself. Sure, I love being a mom but that is not what I primarily wanted to do with my life. I had all these dreams as young woman and reaching thirty with none of my goals accomplished was difficult to swallow.

It was tough but by my mid-thirties I got over myself. I don't like the thought of growing old but for me it no longer has that deep negative connotation that it once had. Just last year I earned my Associates, as you may recall which means, I'm part of the way to finishing my educational goals. I have released myself from my time-line constraints and I now look forward to the next decade with hope.

Next year I will not meet it with tears of regret but with tears of joy. Joy because I have had a great life of motherhood. A precious gift that I would not have been able to fully relish had I been devoted to a career. It's hard to strike a balance, and I have been off kilter for quite sometime. I hope one day to be in complete balance with my life and the universe around me.

Namaste